Amchi Mumbai (humour)

Aamchi Mumbai

Escorting your dad’s best friend’s daughter around the city of Mumbai gives a whole new meaning to the word “Mumbai DARSHAN” especially if the visitor in question is ABCD (American Born Confused Desi) and landing in Mumbai after eons. And eons would mean "her" lifetime, since she was here technically when she was in her mother’s womb...which would be 2 decades back. Now that does not count for much does it…because Mumbai is about sight, smell, sound and all other senses that cannot be experienced thru a belly button hole.So here I was being an escort to a namesake desi and who was more the quintessential American “Born in the USA” types, than a die-hard “Mera Bharat Mahaan” patriot. Jingoism apart…she didn’t have the same trappings as Indians her age…Bollywood and cricket were not religions for her, just something what crazy people watch… Ash and Sushmita were just “roll” models…Kalpana Chawla being the true role model…Music was not hindi, bhangra or indi pop remix, it was bhajans, ghazals interspersed with country music….and career was not plain MBA in a fancy University but chasing a dream which was “out of this world”…AI or AE or in common parlance Artificial Intelligence or Aeronautical Engineering.But at the same time she knew a few shlokas like Atharva shirsha by rote than any of my counterparts including me. She knew Mahabharat and Ramayan more in depth than yours truly, so in that sense she was more Indian than you and me.But what goes into making this essay a worth reading experience is seeing Mumbai thru the eyes of a complete stranger to the city (or country for that matter) and picking up nuances which as a true Mumbaiite we all may have missed. Picking up smells, "art"in buildings, energy flowing through multitudes of people, spirit of secularism, rich and poor co-existing in close environs and many other quirks of the city.Observations of a “phirang” desi on city called Mumbai.

• Where are the footpaths? If hawkers sit on footpaths meant for pedestrians and pedestrians walk on roads where do cars ply or do they fly. That explains the traffic sense, which means every one co-exists at the same place but not same time, that would mean ‘car’diac arrest.
• Motchi (cobbler) at every corner, where he mends broken shoes, chappals and sandals. A unique profession for those who believe in, “If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it and if broken and can be fixed don’t throw it away.”
• A temple in every area where there is a woman with a cow at temple entrance. People walking in, touch the cow, and give some money to the woman owning the cow and who in turn feeds the cow with grass. Does it mean any thing?
• A barber giving a nice shave to his client not in his saloon but right there at a street corner with just an umbrella to protect his client from scorching sun and a radio blaring in the back ground. Now that’s cool isn’t it!
• A woman selling her wares walking from one housing colony to another and screaming out her lungs with words, which communicate what she is selling. But everyone seems so nonchalant despite her high decibel (selling) “pitch”.
• Reaching the railway station provides a wide array of experiences unique in its own way.The boot polish guy who is sitting right there observing foot wear of all those walking around him. His shop is this small box on which he polishes shoes, sits and keeps his money earned. Now that’s a truly an “out of the box” profession.
• This colourful looking upright object which turns out to be a weighing machine with lights, designs and fancy objects coming alive once you stand on it to weigh your self. It costs only 1 rupee and tells you your weight, a weight that you may never have in your entire lifetime.
• Trains that hurtle down into the station after every 3 minutes adding more mass to its velocity until it reaches its final destination where everyone alights.During the train journey, witnessing umpteen hawkers selling everything from pin to pajamas (literally). And the same hawkers who sell their wares so well, it would give any sales-head, job insecurity.
• Did I mention about the beggars at every signal, at every corner, outside every restaurant? Its like they have chosen these vantage points with well thought out precision. These strategic points give these mendicants there 2 minutes to display their sad faces (justified) with their captive audience. Some melt while others turn a blind eye. Now that’s Mumbai’s rags to riches.
• Traffic rules are but just in textbooks. But there is one rule that is in full display and which is rule of the Jungle…Might is Right! Hence, we have the BEST (misnomer) buses over powering the ‘Tax’is and the Taxis teasing the Rick(ety)shaws, who in turn boss over the cyclists and hand carts. And, the “cycle” continues and turns over to a new wheel…
• What can I say about the cleanliness habits of Mumbai denizens or rather the lack of it? It can shame any body to see well-read and well-educated civilians spraying pan remnants at corners, footpaths or sometimes even showing sartorial inclinations.
• Roads are infested with potholes as if it’s an infectious disease. They seem to spread from one road to another and some of them are large enough to engulf an entire car in its confines. One needs to be warned if there is any road without any potholes since each one has them. Not having a pothole on a road would mean a shock to the driver causing serious mental anguish.
• Everyone is in a state of hurry. From one place to another, from one window to another, from one meeting to another and not to forget from one pillar to another “post”. Its as if, living in Bombay is running on a treadmill, If u stop you fall down and get hurt and if you keep running u still get no where.
• Last but not the least in the list of Bombay (still like the ring to the ol’ name) lows, one cant not mention the slums, which have usurped the lives of citizens. From Bombay or Mumbai to Slumbay or slumbai ..its not too far when the city will finally burst at its seams and the very infrastructure that’s its proud of today will eventually relent to its ever increasing immigrating population. Also, whether its cream of Bollywood, Fashion or Corporate circle, it will finally say good bye to the very land which has provided hope and realized dreams of millions of Indians who found it only in the heart of this city.

Salaam Mumbai!