Life is but a series of lessons that we learn at every step. Some lessons are like jumps over small puddles and some like high jumps while some are like steeple chase and some seem like pole vault jumps. While most of them, you prefer to forget or better still they just fade away into oblivion, very few of them tend to leave an impact on you which you carry forever.
Amongst the few lessons that tend to have the stickiness factor (Thank you Malcolm Gladwell for the term) and leave a deep impact on you are the ones which shape you into a new and evolved human being.
The Landmark Forum was exactly one of those few experiences which left an indelible impression on my mind - an eye opener, break through and transformational in nature.
If you have seen the 'Before & After' commercials then this is what Part II is exactly going to be all about.
You must have observed that in most of those cheap, gimmicky Before/After weight loss type of ads, it talks about how Ria, Rupa and Reema shed their excess weight and moved from a bulky 75 kgs built to a slender frame of 55 kgs in just 3 months.
But the central character of this 'Before/After' however is not part of the Ria, Rupa and Reema ilk and is none other than yours truly. Honestly, I did lose weight but not in the real sense of the word. More importantly, I shed a lot of baggage which I was carrying with me till I ‘got’ the Forum, after which I truly felt lighter and free.
Unlike the quick fix weight loss promotions we see on TV/newspapers, which leave us with very little positive and permanent effects, this one I truly believe will be forever.
Before the Landmark, if you had met me, I was a person whose thoughts would typically read like below.
"I am absolutely perfect and I don't need to change anything about me or better still transform".
"My life is just right and I know what I am doing. There can't be a better way to lead life other than this."
"I don't think there is anything amiss or any issue with the way my life is going. It’s just fantastic."
"My family, friends and colleagues are absolutely fine and happy with the way I am so why should I do Landmark or any other transformational course. That's just something for someone who has problems in life. I have no problems at all, in fact I have friends who look up to me for advice."
In short, I was this Ms Know-it-all!!!
And after Landmark, I don't have to tell you, right? But I still will!
My tone has changed dramatically. Not to say that I didn't lead a good, happy and content life before, but my perspective about my own self has undergone a complete U turn. What I am or perceived myself to be, my relationships, my fears and apprehensions, my feelings, emotions and most of all, my language, whether in thoughts or the spoken word, has gone through a sea change and I feel like Christopher Columbus who has just explored a new far away land. In my case of course the new me!
If you have already gone through the experience of stumbling upon the unknown side of you which always existed but not known to you...you would exactly know my situation.
A Eureka moment in your life!
I must say, each person 'gets' the forum differently depending on their past experiences, age, maturity and openness to new concepts. What I have written here is my perspective with my limited understanding from the years spent on the face of the earth.
A Few Lessons Learnt at Landmark Forum worth sharing:
A) Already always listening
Background - We think of ourselves as open and objective, but in fact our approach to ourselves, our circumstances and others is often filtered and even obscured by pre-existing notions/values, by our upbringing, values and past experiences.
For example:
You are in a conversation with a friend or spouse or colleague, exchanging thoughts and words and emotions very animatedly and discussing very openly. (or so you think)
You are having this great dialogue/conversation which is flowing very well between the two of you. But how many times during the conversation have you really, really been listening to what the opposite person is actually saying or trying to say.
Most of the times, aren't we just waiting for the opposite person to stop speaking so you can start giving your views, opinions and thoughts about the subject of conversation. We have already formed this view/opinion about the world based on our past experiences and we think that's the best view of things. And these thoughts cloud our mind so much so, that we are not even listening to the views of the opposite person. Moreover, we don't want to wait for other person to stop talking,we just want to hog the conversation thinking that what we have is the best and the other person has to accept it that way.
That's 'Already always listening' to the thoughts in our mind which is based on our past experiences and not to what the opposite person has to say.
B) Hidden Power of Context
Background -All behavior, all ways of being and acting are correlated to the context(s) from which we live our lives.
For example (The Good Samaritan experiment from the book 'The Tipping point'):
To establish the 'Power of Context' experiment, there were 2 groups formed of students studying theology (study of religion). Both groups were asked to prepare a short, extemporaneous talk on any biblical theme, then walk over to a nearby building and present it. Along the way to the presentation, each student ran into a man slumped in an alley, head down, eyes closed, coughing and groaning. The question was who would stop and help?
To make the experiment more interesting there were some variables introduced.
a) Before the experiment started the students were given a questionnaire as to why they had chosen theology. Did they see religion as a means of personal or spiritual fulfillment.
b) Others were given the parable of Good Samaritan (The popular story of how a traveler who was beaten and robbed and left for dead by the side of the road was overlooked by 2 priests while they were passing by but helped by a man- a Samaritan, member of a despised minority who not only helped him heal his wounds but provided shelter)
c)Some students while they were being sent to the other building were told ' Oh you are late, they were expecting you a few minutes ago." (Basically a hint to make them aware that they are already running late)
While some students were told, 'It will be a few minutes before they are ready for you, you have time but you might as well head now."(A hint to make them know that they have some time at hand)
The experiment was to understand which group of people would stop by and help the destitute lying on the road.
It was interesting to note that the group which was told that they had very little time, literally stepped over the victim as he hurried on his way in spite of the fact that he was told the parable of Good Samaritan, (a story about compassion) before he was sent to the other building.
The words 'Oh you are so late' had the effect of making someone who was ordinarily compassionate into someone who was indifferent to suffering- of turning someone, in that particular moment, into a different person.
That's the Power of Context. What this study is suggesting, in other words, is that the convictions of your heart and the actual contents of your thoughts are less important, in the end, in guiding your actions than the immediate context of your behavior.
In a nutshell, we can stop being judgmental if we understand the context of a person's behavior or background of an event.
C) The Vicious Circle
Background- There is a human tendency to collapse what happened, with the story we tell what happened. The collapsing happens so fast that it is hard to separate the two and we think of them as one and the same. And over time the story we tell ourselves becomes the way it is - the reality we know. It limits what is possible in our lives, robbing us of much our joy and effectiveness.
For example:
Imagine you walking on the road and someone you know from your locality who is also very friendly with you, is walking towards you from the opposite direction. However, as you come closer, that person suddenly decides to cross over to the other side without as much looking at you, forget acknowledging your presence. Leaving you feeling awkward with half a smile left on your face..and a little hurt with this sudden 'turn' of events.
The immediate interpretation we make out of the situation at that time is, he/she has ignored you purposely or he/she may be upset with you over something that may have happened and hence purposely overlooked you.
Now if you look at it objectively, the situation was simple, the person in his/her sheer absent-mindedness must have crossed the road and not even realized the presence of you, who was walking towards him/her. May be he/she was engrossed in his own thoughts/problems, you never know!
But the interpretation of this situation has already been created in your mind and that becomes the reality for you. So every time you both meet, there would be some situations where you will try to find ways to justify that your friend always ignores you and then that becomes a Vicious Circle.
D)Rackets - Pay off and cost
A Racket is an unproductive way of being or acting that includes a complaint that something shouldn't be the way it is. Often, we don't notice that while our complaints may seem justified or even legitimate, there is a certain payoff- some advantage or benefit we are receiving that reinforces the cycle of behavior. At the same time, this way of being has steep costs, whether in our vitality, affinity, self expression or sense of fulfillment.
For example:
In a relationship with your spouse or parents or even a close friend, do you always have a typical complaint which you use to win an argument or get better of a situation? You may be justified in that complaint or it may be legitimate as well, but have you seen that just because you want to win that argument or get some benefit in that short term you invariably use it as a trump card.
What we don't realize is that it very much stifles the relationship and does not help us to take it to the next level of happiness, fulfillment or satisfaction in that relationship. That's why its important to let go off the past, let go of these rackets because only thing that matters is what we choose to be now or choose to see now.
E) Access to being Extraordinary (In the language of Landmark Forum)
"Each of us would like to be extraordinary; to have our lives matter, to excel in the areas that are important to us - our families, our work, relationships, our financial futures. Every day we are presented with the opportunity either to live a 'business as usual' life, or to create something beyond who we've been and what we know. To explore the opportunity that we have to express ourselves individually and fully, to set aside current standards, to question firmly held assumptions, to be at ease no matter what the circumstance and to break and reinvent the mould."
Thank you Landmark!!!
